journal
Tuesday, December 31, 2013, 6:57 am
#338
Trying times, strong hearts
My faith is tested, tried, and at the end, did not fail me. I'm not sure if there is any absolute relation between faith and confidence, because sometimes it's just simply a feeling. Really a sense of relief.
Time passes so fast, it's the last day of 2013 already! There are so many things that happen this year that sort of make me grow up so much (at least I feel haha).
The two bravest things I think I did this year:
1) Believing in 张继科
2) Not taking MC after I missed my exam...
I think 2) is slightly stubborn on my part, and I understand every peer and mentor who urged me to get it. But, hai, I don't understand myself also. Okay, at least after this I know I need to work in an environment that is bootlick-free/ bribery-free HAHA.
Significant events this year:
1) TAIWAN <3 nbsp="" p="">2) NUS/USP/Pharmacy
The long break after A-levels really make me think/ reflect so much, that I feel that I age a lot emotionally. I feel completely fine being alone in solitude. It's really quite amazing when I look back at myself, my life.
Missing my exam is like some big alarm clock, my attitude towards my course (maybe I took it too lightly). And seriously, you'll never realize you're so brave until you are really in the situation. It feels weird actually to reassure your parents instead of the other way round, hahah but anyway, it's over. And I feel stronger? haha I hope so.
我做过了好多勇敢的事 我甚至不知道什么时候变勇敢了
或许成长就是这样 因为愤世恨俗所以说出那些大人世界的无奈
但真正的成长是某一天你发现 你可以一个人走过一段路 不顾他人眼中的自己
这座桥 或许看不清终点 但是只要存在于心 就有价值
所以在那之前 只有不停地走下去 反正每一步 身旁总会有扶手
只是自己把自己看得多重要 把身边的人看得有多透彻
我学会感激 却也同时学会了爱自己
距离不是阻碍 我彻底相信了
都长那么大了 我也明白了有些人在心里的位置是无比坚固
日子就这样了好像没有什么不好 好像也没有什么不对
我就是一个很直的人 唯一在别扭和转弯的时候 也不过是在原地绕圈子
就是一杯奶茶 和我的kindle 的幸福
很简单 在繁忙中何尝不是一种奢侈?
谢谢好多人
因为你们 我是幸运的 很幸运
在我每次坠落要跌伤的那一刹那 总会有一股回升的力量
2013 我可以大声地说
真的活了
2014 会更好
带着微笑的美好 :)
Saturday, November 30, 2013, 6:26 am
#337
A test of faith.
Came back home during reading week to study and prepare for finals, really felt very peaceful and happy with good food and comfortable setting for my notes, along with my kindle and tv entertainment shows when I am tired.
Too comfortable? At the moment when I realized I missed a final exam paper, I was more shocked than anything. So, when I finally returned home and let everything sink in, well, it's been so long since I last cried :/
Telling my parents... was brave? At least, you'll know, there's someone there for you at the end of the day, really, unconditionally.
There are really many people who are really concerned and suggested ways to help me, but, I really cannot bring myself to do it against my heart, I rather pick myself up from the mistake than ever make this an incident that will prick my conscience for the rest of my life.
It's my fault, really. It feels very bad missing an exam, because whatever you have studied are not unloaded, and yet you have to shoulder this emotional stress, plus greater pressure for the next upcoming exam, which is after this weekend. And, while waiting for the module coordinator to maybe reply with a email to confirm and see how things go.
I am deeply scared inside. But my fear does not suppress my conscience and whatever I hope to uphold. And, it's really a test of how much faith I have in my past papers and the one to come. There's still hope I know, and I just wish that I can have the strength, to run this last mile regardless. And pray, that I can survive through this obstacle posed to me in my life. It will be far to weak, for me to collapse at this moment, and I'm not even sure if calmness and faith in me is lasting, but at least now, it is. So, I will keep ongoing, at least until the end of the next paper.
I really learnt a lot from this mistake though, not just the importance of reading timetables and stuff, but my attitude in university in general. I will, give all my best to salvage and get my mindset and attitude right, once and for all. I know I can.
原来最深的打击 没有过多的泪水点缀 没有嘶吼的沦陷
我只能要紧牙关 不要辜负所有人给予的信念和慰问
就这样走下去 为了我的决定 走下去
为了我的不苟 走下去 为了我重生的机会 走下去
我不怕辛苦 只愿这次的难关 过得去
我会用心 我会努力
真的
或许有挫折是好的
Wednesday, October 30, 2013, 9:41 am
#336
任世间沧海 都有你在
First post since uni officially started! Time passes so fast once "life" resumes. Haha, this reminds me of the talk about having a life. It is as though "life" means that it needs to be hapz~ and everything when why can't it just be something peaceful and quiet and mundane? "I have no lifeeeeee" Where's my drama and kindle books haha. :S
Then again, this semester is ending. I know that I will be really appreciative of a month's long break. (Okay should strive for finals woohooo)
I need my alone time, I need my regular meetup with friends who feel like an eternity to me, I need my own music appreciation time. I need my reading time. I don't have enough time. Something must happen at the expense of another, as though we are giving some value to each of the respective activity.
On a side note, I really do love the icon ^^ The colour balance and tone is just so... right. And sunziyou deserve an icon, new idol :D
Happened to stumble upon one 孙自佑's song on youtube, and memories rushed back. Have been in such persistent melancholy lately, reminiscing about the past. I miss 孙自佑, I still don't understand why HIM is so mean to him, not even one album while 倪安东 already on his, what, fourth? Went to listen to 林宥嘉 respective albums, it kind of appalled me to suddenly realize that, each of his album has a sound, and an atmosphere inherent to the melody, and his voice. It's seriously amazing how the same voice could produce so many different layers of emotions.
Sometimes I feel that there are many covers of ahmei songs, and I listen to them so much that... some origina don't sound as nice :X
勉强幸福 算是幸福吗?
又有谁能够给你答案 当两人牵手是因为心不满足
你有他身上缺少的安全感 我有她无法做到的开朗
活着是为了互相取暖 逃离这片思念笼罩着的城市
我们 日复一日 互相拉扯 走到了天涯还不认输
因为坚持是赌注 用余生的幸福换寂寞尾随的脚步
彼此都不肯哭诉 愿脸上看似勉强的笑容能够常驻
是心死了 还是爱活了 是与你我没有关联的束缚
最后世纪末日前的祝福 倒影飘逸在你深邃的眼珠
甚至没有理由诉说无助 而眼泪无法找到瞳孔溢出
我们就这么安静地回顾 命运对你我从来没有眷顾
然后你问我为什么会哭 我说你的视线也开始模糊...
有些歌 是你感情的出口
是你人生经验领悟的开端
没有体验过 却似乎明白当中的苦
没有享受过 却又看破了挡住快乐的迷雾
我喜欢淡淡的 没有色彩渲染 却不是空白的 一切 追逐
我的心有一把锁 我想把我爱的人通通锁住 进驻的是一辈子的承诺
还有 好久好久 一定要走到尽头 回头仰望今日的日出
一切 会更好的
Sunday, July 28, 2013, 5:12 am
#335
这天台的月光 是我爱上你的力量
Jaychou is so amazingly talented! I mean, ignoring all the professional comments and criteria, it is actually an enjoyable movie full of taiwan's scent and humour. Last but not all, awesome music!! Everything, including those OST background music sounds super jaychou! It makes one wonder how long a person need to try/ work hard to establish his own style and be something that many other people can identify with. Touched, in a good way. T.T
I really love how some melodies and tunes are so pure and raw that it makes the lyrics magical and the singing fantastical. I kind of get jaychou's idea of a cool romance after watching his two movies haha, it's slightly sadistic but yet always leave some hope or potential for the story to make a good turn. Watching with xintong (:D) makes it feel even more special since it's so hard to get her out during free time -.-
And, I am thinking of joining back CO haha. Like touching guzheng weekly helps keep my brain and minds in form again? I don't know man, shall check out the tea session, hahah so long since I properly played a piece and play in an ensemble/ orchestra. And life looks busy T.T I don't know if I can really manage lol. And it really doesn't help much when you have seniors who say stuff like, "Woah, you didn't take biology in JC?" --insert concerned face-- or "Good luck in sem2!" Haha I guess whatever will come, will come... So... leave everything to the future ba~
Jumping into new social circles and groups of people actually make you understand the people around you better I think, like how certain groups of friends will have this distinct feel and placing in your heart. I can't really express such feelings and realizations in words now, but I can feel that they are forming something big.
I am fully unsure of what lies ahead, and may not be fully prepared for what's to come, but I hope my mind is sufficiently strong to fill in the gaps when necessary. :)
天台月光洒
今天还一样
只是我还不习惯
一个人的孤单
两份情感的惆怅
是我对你承诺的回答
不要怕，就像剪影一样；摸不着什么，却也看清些什么
人就是矛盾，你又怎么去划分，一切情感的区分
我要守着月光 让它洒在你的背影上
纪念我在你背后陪伴的过往
还有未来阳光的照耀和灿烂
Sunday, June 30, 2013, 3:07 am
#334
How big can the big picture gets?
&the more you look;
the less you see
First post after a new blogskin after years! --claps and applause from non-existent visitor(s)--
The three icons above are taken by me :D
Using your own resources/ images base as part of the design feels damn awesome! And after doing a few typography tutorials, I did really get some tricks up my sleeves ;) Have this obsession with clean and slick designs recently haha. Btw, OVERLAY in PS is (Y) from non-pro --> easy pro haha!
My portfolio is so thin :( and actually I don't think I have a lot of time to fatten it haha. But the PERSISTENCE wallpaper is really.. hahah one of the most satisfying piece of work :D [still my wallpaper]
I love doing icons because it's fast/ convenient/ easy. Most important thing is that you can explore with different cuts from the same image and achieve different effects! Large scale editing for things like wallpaper requires eyeskill + hand coordination to cut and a million trial and error T.T
Life's... gonna speed up! Camps... new people to remember... people to send off...
Before I embark on usp [like english channel] haha, I wanted to write a few more chinese "essays" before school begins! Quite inspired when I go Popular or Kino, jot down book titles to find online :P
AND OMG THIS MONTH MARKS THE FIRST CONCERT WHICH I ATTEND IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. JAYCHOU X N [N-->INFINITY]
Jaychou songs have been on loop since... 8th june.
One day I will dedicate a post to him (:
Everytime I pass by shilin/ tw-related shops, I will miss taiwan :(
对于一个地方的眷恋，不一定特别是地段的优美，而是回忆里的陪伴让人回味
有时候会感觉自己是不是失去了社交能力?
有些人的特别是要等待时间的催化 慢慢溢出
但是我慢慢地害怕 没有走到结局 你就放弃等待
我也很想选择一个新的人等待
可是我也害怕没有足够的毅力 换回一片真心的回应
无论如何 生命滴滴答答的流逝 不会为了挽留任何画面而停止
它只会在你想要忽略它时 似乎流的更加迅速和轻巧
所以说 有些时候越想忽略的事 只会回头撕开伤口上包扎的完美
等待天空放晴
欢迎愉快性情
随心 不要碎心 就好
如果有一天突然发现 自己已经准备一个人走完余生的路
一定会给这个世界一个大大的微笑
留长的头发就让风穿越之中的韵味
添加的皱纹就让笑容弥补它的不美
他们都说没有人会因为没有谁而不可活
却很少人对你说自己因为自己而活也别有一番滋味 :)
Thursday, May 30, 2013, 9:50 pm
#333
And believing make me feel that I have not been so brave for such a long time.
If there's something that time takes away for sure, it may not be pain, but definitely courage. If we do have courage, then we would not commend ourselves to be courageous or try to convince one to be brave because it would be something inherent that you would not even realize subconsciously. Nonetheless, at least we are still aware of such a thing right? Better than losing it all together and separate it from your life forever.
Been back from taiwan! So awesome. Been there really make me feel so calm and peaceful for that one week, even in the city area, can always feel that here's somewhere peaceful and pretty and quiet to go to, or even to spend time alone. I have this strong feeling that I want to retire in taiwan next time... or like some asia country? Singapore don't exactly feel like an ideal retirement city hmm. Maybe I'm quite greedy, I want a 5day peaceful countryside life and 2day city life each week haha. Best of both worlds.
My eyelid has been twitching all day so far and it's getting quite irritating... like I cannot read or watch anything for too long, this super uneasy feeling D<
Anyway, took so many photos that are photoshop-worthy. But, being too lazy, still do not have the kick to start on a lot... so far only one haha. Shall at least finish the batch of photos before uni starts.
"自己想要的那种比赛"
I really wonder if someone can really 看破输赢 and really just care about the process. Previously, I really think it's just self consolation and forcing oneself to not take some success or defeat too heavily. But, when your truly believe in someone or something, the outcome really doesn't matter. The results only matter to the world and everyone else who is needs to rely on statistics to understand someone, but it definitely does not apply to people who believed in them themselves. What a revelation.
我依靠着一个陌生人的人生而自我反省
或许荒唐 或许玄虚 但是有错吗?
我在别人的人生看到希望 所以选择相信
然后当你的期盼真的化为现实 那种感动 我也不会形容
就是一种孤注一掷的幻想 就是没有痕迹的勇敢
就是没有根据的信任 不要问我为什么相信
难道要我说 我在恰巧的时间点上 选择了精神寄托
其实还是弄不懂 感情的寄托到底是有益身心
还是只会让人的贪婪而逃避燃烧为击毁
但是我感受的是 这份寄托让我可以在谷底时闭上眼睛看到星光
让我重复练习着勇敢和执着
人生不就是这样吗 不断寻找寄托
直到有一天 精神的寄托是自己
然后敞开心胸 成为他人的寄托
我找不到你在我生命里实在的存在
却在我心里种下了一种相遇的期待
:)
Time past so fast! June holidays already! :O
Sunday, March 31, 2013, 4:37 am
#332
When what you thought you need
is just something more than faith
which is...?
After 2+ weeks of 5-day office work life, I'm officially damn tired :/ But well something good did come out, like I start having this super regular healthy body clock that makes me tired at 11+ and awake at 730 sharp... even on weekends -.-And not to forget the money... heh. Can go taiwan and pay off jaychou ticket~
Hahah just maybe a few weeks before, I thought faith and trust was enough and I really thought my heart is strong enough to face everything which my emotions are invested into. But the truth is... there's still a good long way to go before I achieve faith? But I guess, I have 3 years to develop this and get my way closer to true believing and not doubting anymore! It's like I thought I was supportive but I didn't believe firmly. That's partly my fault?
Haha I'm experiencing this 最熟悉的陌生人 feeling hahaha
Guess consistency is an issue... which is left to time to figure out?
一个与陌生人定下的约定:
给我三年的时间 去学会相信一种绝对
给你三年的时间 教会我你的倔强不服
但愿 我的心和你一起茁壮不要再害怕
Some days I'm so glad to read about people's opinions... but some days like today I feel the urge to read but just getting a little too sian and meaningless.
就算永远不了解一个人的全面
单纯地只是相信此刻正在眼前
一种无怨无悔的吸引以及冲击
往往一念之差
在质疑声中离你而去就是我的肤浅
从现在开始
不要向往光芒
而是珍惜黑暗所隐藏了汗水 不让不屑目光专注
只有这样
当令人瞩目的聚光灯打下时
他人看到的或许是光纤靓丽光荣的璀璨
但我想我要记住的是你那到根深蒂固于我心的影子
Haha sometimes I really think I shouldn't be affected so much but currently... just can't help it :S
One day all these inspired lines will be directed into a letter then I will eventually pass to 陌生人 by hand.
ONE DAY...!
Thursday, February 28, 2013, 4:18 am
#331
亲爱的树洞 我只是怀旧
Forgot to post in January! Turned 19~ Suddenly realize that's so close to an age starting with 2 and at the stage of life where I'm supposed to really think and consider what I wanna do for the rest of my life? Haha I always feel that I couldn't fully experience the fact that my passion lies in my job. For example, I feel passion/ interested in graphic designing but the thought of going for more job interviews for such related jobs or internships just scare me a lot. Haha part of my personality la, I hate judgement on such abstract/ artistic things.
So contrasting right, like what I will pursue in life for career would be maths/ science based and what I am passionate about in life is all these design and chinese stuff. Balance. All the more, the same reason apply, why I am just unable to continue doing CLEP, I don't like people judging words and expressions!
Also, went on blogskins.com to see the four skins I have made when I'm younger... Very different, haha. Shows how much I've grown seriously, began to clean up my designs and aiming for a neat touch instead of abstract collages. It's quite weird actually, I can visualize layouts, get inspirations from looking at other graphics but still, I could not draw.
Sometime nowadays I really feel as though I'm living 古人的生活
古时 琴伴君 酒韵诗 触景挥笔
Play guzheng, read poems, books and design images, hahah I quite like such peaceful life to be honest. And choose someone to look up upon, strengthens my life.
Looking at my sister's bad temper now makes me wonder whether I'm this irritating back in schooling days. Somehow the slow pace of life now tempers my temper, I rarely 动怒 now despite my sister's endless questions and offending tone -.- Haha now I understand why sometimes my parents also gets a bit :S last time.
乐嘉's 性格色彩 book is quite accurate heh. I fit into majority of the descriptions, then again, hahah we're all colourful people and we turn to different colours for different things and people. Ah I want to go taiwan and buy all his books back!!
Persistence.
我要相信 让它变成信念
原来走到这边 透过眼神就能理解
或许是迷迷糊糊来到这一天 或是跌跌撞撞拾起了尊严
维护着的是一份期盼 以及对未来的向往
离开这一天前 一定要感谢
一路上蹒跚在身边的那一些慰藉
还有眼前拥抱着你的亲切
让时间诉说 友谊永存的理念
:)
Wednesday, December 12, 2012, 5:05 am
#329
十二十二十二
hangzhou was surprisingly fun :)
Visited many historical places can feel the 伟大气息 and 震撼力!
西湖 is really very pretty walked around it until I think I sprained my feet somewhere :/
断桥残雪的足迹是我为你而留
此情犹如北方的风霜酝酿的酒
那么的凄凉却也不失一份潇洒
任那天空飘渺的雪白一路落下
知道否 柳树下的浪漫跟随季节发芽
任性地不让寒冬剥取存在的色调
看那春天宠溺着希望的浪潮
却放肆冬天残忍席卷而去的绿腰
很喜欢很喜欢平静的生活
有一种陪伴那么的一尘不变
却在低谷时盛夏了黑暗的笼罩
有一种曲调柔似细水长流
无需精彩绝伦的格局却唱出了这份深情的初衷
人生中那么多的无奈 又怎是你我能琢磨得了
天机算尽却忽略了心 那拥有天下你说又如何
一句坚持背后竖立的高墙又怎能轻易看破
一份问候背后堆积的勇气又怎能随意摧残
这几天 真的因为他人的幸福 而感觉幸福
我还真的有些舍不得
那绿油油的河畔
就算是凋零的荷花
却也为春夏埋下伏笔
等待将来的抚挖
Friday, August 31, 2012, 8:09 am
#328
Heart is beating but it's not working
But with you, I feel again :)
ONE REPUBLIC :D
August! Olympic month ohmann I wonder how much time I spent on watching all the matches and stuff! All the athletes this time round are all quite young, feels like YOG haha.
Anyway, thankfully for watching olympics I found cool (and inspiring) people and read about their stories and watch their videos! Sigh, why are they so strong! I kind of hate it when I find myself liking someone when he/she is at her peak or glory period after obtaining medals... 'cos why didn't I have the ability to find them out before this D: Then can be the small group of fans and they will remember you forever haha. Okay quite impossible.
I think zhangjike is really very strong mentally and intellectually! And the stuff he say is so 潇洒 (Y)
"魔咒是用来打破的"
"没有人会帮你一辈子 所以你要奋斗一生"
:O
Omg and he so sweet to someone from the women's team haha send sms to console her after she lost that "大不了我陪你一起输" -cries 感动-
Then I went on to read 九把刀 random books (why do I start -.-) Okay some parts quite gross so I kind of scan through and somemore it's 繁体 so some parts I just glance only :P BUT falling in love with 武侠 language and that kind of hidden love story plot, haha. Okay I shall read more after prelims and As should not really distract myself too much now zzz.
Lim Xintong (next time someone google search her will come here :D) Birthday yesterday haha! So fun finally went chiso after like (months?) The food is not bad but I quite like the place heh very peaceful even during lunchtimes! My dad say usually that kind of place night business will be better lol. And then, went totally crazy after that ...
大家都好high hahaha
Okay actually I cannot really remember the stuff that happened the past two months passed too fast and there's no appropriate pauses for me to register to memory... :/
Were talking about how we were in lower secondary school days, haha when you read the stuff you feel so detached and can laugh at what you wrote, I went to read mine and sometimes I don't even understand why I posted those stuff hahah sounds so dumb.
Like, acting emo was cool in sec1 or something is it O.O I think I forced myself to be sad and everyday hoping that I would remain sick (-.-) that's why my cough took so long to heal that time =.= Which I can't remember much about too haha
无怨无悔是守候的结局
突如其来的旋风如何把你我指尖的尘埃吹散
呼风唤雨的气候如何酝酿出如今的盛夏
也许 命运把你我紧紧缠绕 等待彼此的连接之后散去
那么雄伟的积极 你我到底看得出几分激情
如今只愿 用我这双或许有些粗糙的手 为你遮出一朵云彩
风光尽显 何时正视那片黑暗背后的曙光?
